Lamest Team Names

I heard this discussed in passing on the radio today, and decided to make my own list. I used only pro teams --and by pro I mean the 3.5 major sports. If not, the WNBA would dominate this list. No college teams either, there are way too many obnoxious ones (see: Akron Zips, ULL Rajin Cajuns, UCSC Banana Slugs... nevermind, those are all awesome).

Enjoy...

10. Miami Dolphins
I could probably come up with a few names more intimidating than a friendly sea-dwelling mammal that bounces balls off its nose and majestically leaps from the water.

9. Colorado Rockies
Any team named after a scenic view is automatically lame.

8. Detroit Pistons
Car parts usually don't make for very good team names.

7. Miami Heat
What's lamer than being named after a car part? Being named after the thing you turn on in your car when you get cold. I think the Miami Air Conditioning would probably be as cool, if not cooler (pun slightly intended).

6. Washington Redskins
This isn't even a lame team name, it's just straight up racist. How the hell is this actually still a team's name?

5. Oklahoma City Thunder
It's not just that the name Thunder is an unoriginal suck fest. And it's not just that this team is from Oklahoma City. These assholes changed their name from one of the coolest names in all of sports to one of the worst. I mean -- look at this -- they were the coolest, non-MJ, team in basketball during the mid 90s, and Shawn Kemp has the offspring to prove this.

P.S. - If you go to that link, there's a related video called Shawn Kemp Jr. First, there are many jokes to be told about this. Second, don't watch it, it's a minute of your life you will never get back.

4. Baltimore Orioles, Toronto Blue Jays, St Louis/Arizona Cardinals
As a rule, small finches do not make for good team names.

3. Minnesota Wild
Naming your team after a non-color adjective is always dicey territory. But the fact that Minnesota's old hockey team had a sweet name/logo, makes it that much worse.

2. Houston Texans
I could write an entire essay on the vain, egomanical idiocy that this team name represents. This isn't just a lame team name, this is worst, most unoriginal shit show of a team name ever. Of all the possible things to name a team, whoever chose to go with 'what-people-are-called-who-live-in-Texas' should be jettisoned into space.

*Takes Deep Breath* Ok, moving on...


1. Orlando Magic

This - funniness = naming your team Magic.

Also, this just reminded me. Back in the day when the Magic used to be good, Nike had what still stands as my second favorite ad campaign (behind only Southwest Airlines 'Wanna Get Away'). Just watch this, it's amazing (I just watched that 5 times). I wonder why Nike dropped the Little Penny ad campaign (oh wait, nevermind).


Thanks for reading.

Ponderings on Chimp Attacks and Steve Irwin's Balls

I first want to apologize to all 0 of the people who read this for that three week delay... that first post took a lot out of me. Next, I've been aimlessly pissing away time on the internet for the past hour and I came across this little story. I'm still trying to decide if this is really sad or absolutely hilarious... right now I'm leaning towards hilarious and I am therefore an asshole. Besides the half sad/half hilariousness of this story, I just had a couple more comments about that little clip:
1) How the hell has an old lady been living with a 200 pound animal for 15 years and not gotten destroyed long before this?
2) Jeff Corwin, in all his salmon-colored shirt glory, emparts this little gold nugget of wisdom on the animal-ignorant masses: "This tragedy happens every year around our country." Alright, so is this guy actually saying that every year a monkey goes on a suicidal, drug induced rampage directed at the friend of his 70 year old keeper/roommate?
3) Jeff Corwin is a douche. It's a damn shame Steve Irwin isn't around to spit knowledge. Fucking sting rays...

Speaking of the crocodile hunter, I was watching a little AP, as is my custom when there's nothing good on tv, and that show was on. After watching it for a little, i got to wondering... with those little khaki shorts he always wore did his balls ever pop out during any of his many, sweaty entanglements with various wildlife? And if so how much sweet action footage was ruined by his shorts' inability to contain his dangle? (no homo by the way)

Thanks for reading.

Myke writes.

The only thing I actually remember that I want to write about is the shitty url that I've gotten stuck with. I figured the "myke.blogspot" url would've been long gone, but I figured it would have at least been taken by some sophisticated -- possibly gay -- guy who changed his name from Mike and wanted to tell people about it and talk about his booming hair salon business. Instead, it's just some dude who enjoys reading Google News, and was not able to visit his accountant on April 9, 2002. But, I'd probably stop blogging too if such a life shattering rejection befell me. "MykeG" was also taken, but that one didn't have any entries, and is therefore much harder to make fun of.

The Super Bowl was tonight, and I went over to my grandma's house to watch it, which seems like a weird place to watch a football game, but they have a massive widescreen there, and I felt like hearing my uncle shout ridiculous statements like "Bill O'Reilly is 10 times smarter than Obama" when I was trying to watch the game so all in all it was a good night.

Thanks for reading.