Five Things I Wanted to Write About

As I have written about ad nauseum, I very rarely can think of things to write about. Is that in itself a shtick? Am I trying to be enigmatic? Why would a banana grab another banana? I mean, those are the the kind of questions I don't want to answer.

In one of my more focused mind wanderings at work today, I thought of making each post a top five list of things I want to write about regardless of relevance, timeliness, or appeal to my readers. Hopefully this won't be the straw-that-broke-the-camel's-back that loses the interest of the handful of readers I may or may not have. I guess I can only hope for the best...


Lizard Kings
I stumbled upon a great show about monitor lizards during one of my bi-yearly viewings of PBS last night, and it was one of the more entertaining things I've seen on tv lately. PBS is really only good for two things, nature documentaries and Sesame Street, and only one of those does anything for me (sorry Snufalufagus). For whatever reason I'm easily captivated by nature shows, even if they are as mundane as following around a bearded Australian man who digs lizards out of holes and straps video cameras to them (yes, this is actually what happens in that documentary), and PBS usually has the best nature shows that remain focused and informative throughout without talking down to the viewer. Animal Planet and Discover Channel usually show decent nature docs, but most are lacking in one of those areas (with the exception of Planet Earth... although Sigorney Weaver's narration as half relaxation tape reader/half 1-900 receptionist took a little off that show's fastball). Anyway, here's a link to the aforementioned program.

"The Old College Try"
I think a social more should be established that dissuades people who did not graduate from college from using this phrase. Today, my boss told me to "give [random remedial task] the old college try." In a perfect world I would have replied with something like "that's an ironic phrase to use, you know, with you not having graduated college and all, therefore probably not knowing what a college try even is," but I just fantasized about how sweet it would be to say that instead. However, the phrase "college try" is quite silly regardless of education level, and most people who graduated college don't really know what it means. I'm not going to google the origins of the phrase or anything like that because I doubt it's very interesting. Really, the closest thing to trying hard in college is taking a cross cultural journalism test hungover and on 2 hours of sleep, or trying to act convincing when you tell the chick in your room when you wake up that you really should hang out again soon.

of Montreal
Here's where the obligatory music bit gets tossed in. After listening to of Montreal leading up to Lollapalooza, then watching them put on a fantastic show; I acquired a large quantity of their music. Lately they've climbed into the top 3 of my favorite active bands, and Hissing Fauna, Are You the Destroyer?, hasn't left my car's cd player in 3 weeks. I'll forgo any additional slurpage in favor of linking an interview done by lead singer Kevin Barnes with Hall and Oates. Just to translate that into fanboy for you: "The dude from of Montreal interviews fucking Hall and Oates... the dudes who sing 'kiss on my list'!!!11!" ...Now that I think about it, I should probably embed that video into this blog right now. Why don't you take a little break from your close reading of Myke Writes and enjoy...


Greatness. I legitimately like them... probably way more than I should.

Serial Killing
I watched CSI: Miami last night for the first (and most likely last) time ever last night, and the following is by no means limited to my thoughts when I watch CSI: Miami... it goes for pretty much any time I watch a crime show or documentary about a serial killer.... Now blog reader, is it just me, or do you say to yourself (or even say out loud) something like this every time you watch the part in one of these serial killer shows when the guy gets caught "Well that's why he got caught, if I were him I would definitely have done x, y and z..."? Watching this show last night, I couldn't stop saying stuff like "if he would have just waited til that dude walked by to drown her he would've been good or "he did a pretty crappy job burying that body." This means a) I'd be a kick ass serial killer b) I need to clean my act up before things take a tragic turn c) all of the above. I'm going with option a.

Not Having a Fifth Thing to Write About
A top 5 sounds much cooler than a top 4. For the sake of not ending my first "Top 5 things I wanted to write about" post with only four topics, here's a list of cool things that come in fours...
- The Beatles
- the number of cans of beer a regulation ultimate disc can hold
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

...alright, that's enough of that

This Week in TV Viewing

I've been a huge Daily Show for a long time, and John Stewart used to kill it on a nightly basis during the Dubya years, but it's on the brink of jumping the shark after year one of the Obama Administration. I'm not trying to get all politicy here, so don't you worry, I just want to complain about what's on the tv. Basically, the show has turned into a fish in barrel shooting range, with the fish being Fox News. And I love Fox News bashing as much as the next guy, but even (I'm trying to clean up my act so...) [insert demographic of traditionally slow-witted people] could come up with hilarious ways to tear up Fox News, so I'm holding out hope that the shark jump does not come. Stephen Colbert's show, on the other hand, has a shtick that doesn't revolve around directly making fun of a specific political entity and has been able to thrive despite a non-moronic administration being in office.

Speaking of Colbert, ESPN columnist and hands down best sports writer alive, Bill Simmons, was on his show last week and was great as expected.. His new book dropped last week, and if I weren't too cheap to buy it... I'd, uh... buy it.

Simmons is also the man behind the phenomenal 30 for 30 series ESPN is running, the first programming ESPN has introduced in the past 5 years that does not reduce its viewer's IQ. That's probably because ESPN and its production staff give up creative control to 30 different directors, and are, assumedly, unable to drool on the film reel.

Reality

As the throngs who regularly visit this blog already know, sporadic posting has sort of been my modus operandi. Instead of continuously making hilarious tongue-in-cheek remarks about this, I've decided to address this issue head on. My main problem with coming up with content for this blog is determining the scope of topics I would like to write about. As a writer I see myself as a jack of all trades, but a master of none, so posting concert reviews and op eds about music tends to be more mastabatory than anything else, especially since a lot of it is half assed. In the near future I might start another page devoted soley to music as I have with the already-lost-a-lot-of-its-steam sports blog I started a few weeks ago. For now though, I think I'm going to try and live up to the eponymy of this blog and write about myself more. Writers are supposed to write best when they write what they know, so expect a steady stream of dick jokes and "i saw something silly at the store when I went there to buy some chips and here are some smart ass things I thought to say, but had nobody to say it to" type shit.

I started another blog

Get your sports fix here.

Other Peoples' Kids

Quick one today blog readers.

I need to let off some steam after a number of incidents today regarding long winded stories about other peoples' children. As of right now, I'm lucky enough to not work in an industry where my coworkers have reliable internet access, and don't "call the phone company because Yahoos changed my desk screen and now I don't know how to use it" so I can write this without the slightest fear that my brain dead coworker will read this and become offended. Disclaimer/intro aside, I want to pose a question to you loyal blog reader. Perhaps you're a father of three reading his son's shitty blog which he occasionally updates despite repeated attempts to encourage his writing. Or maybe you're just a wandering blog reader hurling through the blogosphere abyss and accidentally stumbling upon this shit show. Either way, have you ever heard a story about somebody else's kids and cared? Like ever? People probably don't even listen to Barack Obama's mom when she talks about how proud she is about her son. There's some kind of instinctual switch that goes off in the mind of the human upon hearing the first words of a kid story. While I'm on this freight train of hate, I also am now officially annoyed by the phrase "the boys." There is no "the boys" or "the guys"... stop that shit. There are well over 3 billion males on this planet, so that phrase needs to be deleted from the human lexicon forever in all languages. Anyway, I just needed to put that out there to any of you selfish assholes who think it's socially acceptable to go around talking about your kids, or writing blogs about your kids, or showing pictures of your kids. Just talk about your latest bowel movement. It will be much more thought provoking, and you will probably not inspire a pissy blog post, and if you do inspire a blog post about a bowel movement story, send me that link.

Things I've Been Doing Lately

I decided at work today that I'm going to commemorate my oughts experience on this blog. It'll probably be slanted towards (or exclusively about) music this decade, but who knows, I might just throw a curveball at you, blog reader. Anyway, since I'm already writing blog-related content I might as well keep it up with a new feature I like to call: Things I've been doing lately.

Disc Golf
A fact few people care about... the name Frisbee is trademarked and thus the two sports for which frisbees play the most crucial role (not yet goaltimate, not quite yet...) officially must leave the word frisbee out of their title due to the aforementioned trademark restrictions, thus the names UPA and DGA for ultimate frisbee and disc golf governing bodies, respectively. I guess that's not a very interesting anecdote, but think if the word "ball" had been copyrighted before baseball was invented. I don't think baserecreationalsphere has quite the same ring.

Anyway, my less than rigorous post graduate underemployment has afforded me the opportunity to play this way too much lately. For the most part there isn't much different from regular golf except a) it's free b) there are fewer old people c) in regular golf, one usually doesn't run into bearded dudes well into their forties drinking Icehouse tallboys at 10:45am on a Sunday.

Not Twittering (note to self: I need new things to write about)
I wrote a fifteen page paper about Twitter and it's potential impact on communication, but I've officially decided that Twitter is a long way off from being a legitimate platform of communication instead of glorified public masturbation for 99.9999% of the people who use it. Or it could be I'm just upset I only have 13 followers.

Breaking Two Phones Within One Month:
There's only one good thing about not having a working cellphone... being able to use the word incommunicado. That's all I've got for that one.

Listening to Music:
Two Dancers by Wild Beasts is one of the best albums of the year.

Coming Soon...
A bunch of top 10 lists and possibly me live blogging as I watch random shit on tv.

Bears Game Live Blog

7:00 -
It's about ten minutes til kickoff so I'll give my predictions and poorly researched analysis for the game:
Final Score: Packers 34 Bears 31
I don't see any way the final score is below 50 and I'm guessing it'll probably be closer to 70. A couple mediocre defenses going up against offenses that should turn this thing into a shootout.
Cutler: 340 2/2
Rodgers: 305 3/1
Forte: 83 rushing 60 receiving
Grant: 115

7:10 - I heard on the radio Peanut Tillman is going to play. This is good for a few reasons... first I have an excuse to link this video, second I love getting to hear a grown man being called Peanut, lastly he gives the Bears secondary a shred of credibility

7:13 - They're showing Eli Manning's post game interview right now. I can't think of any professional athlete (or just regular non professional athlete adult male) who reminds me more of an eight year old with some kind of learning disability.

7:18 - Tonight's post is brought to you buy this stuff:

Chili Cheese Dip: saturated fat, cholesterol and pounds of sodium; plus its filled with ass demolishing beans. Frequent bathroom breaks to follow...

7:25 - Normally I would have something critical to say about that Faith Hill sunday night theme song thing, but I guess I'm just thankful it's not that shitty Kenny Chesney nonsense that ESPN plays during all their college football games. Thankfully there are guys like this to write more about that.

7:32 - A white guy just returned the kickoff 45 yards for the Packers. Uh oh..

7:50 - Devin Hester's first punt return was more ballet move than punt return. Watching that guy return punts used to be the most exciting part of a Bears game and now it's borderline cringe-worthy.

7:51 - Atari Bigby has to be a top 15 pro sports name. I should do that list some day.

7:57 - Cutler isn't exactly looking like an upgrade over sexy rexy. He finally got picked after two close calls. And we were so closed to getting to see Robbie Gould kick a field goal...

8:00 - I'm calling it right now... Rodgers hits on a 60+ yard pass tonight.

8:23 - Packers 3-0 halfway through the second. I was just thinking... have you ever met a Packers fan who isn't caucasian? I bet they have the whitest fanbase in pro sports outside of the St Louis Cardinals.

8:25 - Cutler connects on a bomb to Johnny Knox then throws an INT to a nose tackle three plays later. He's been boned by his WRs on a couple plays today, but so far I give this performance a D+.

8:36 - Safety Bears. 3-2. Is this a baseball game?

8:40 - INT #3 for Rex Cutler. Brutal.

8:41 - From a fan's perspective, there are few "no way is this happening" moments worse than watching the opposing team running an interception back.

8:52 - 10-2 Packers. Top 5 "No Way Is This Happening" plays in sports (against your team)
1. Walk off HR
2. INT for a TD
3. Breakaway run/long bomb
4. Game winning shot at the buzzer
5. Rally-killing double play in a clutch situation

8:57 - I officially submit the nickname "Contract Year Wally" for Odewale Ogunleye. This guy is wreaking havoc so far today.

9:00 - "This game is starting to look a little too big for some of these Bears receivers" Chris Collinsworth has been money all day with his assessment of the Bears O. He's the best color guy in football... possibly in all of sports. Teamed up with Al Michaels, these guys call a top notch game.

9:01 - John Shoop makes a guest appearance to call the Bears third down play... A draw with 20 seconds left on third and long from the 50 down by 8.

9:05 - Halftime. 10-2 Packers. I'm gonna spend halftime counting the days til spring training 2010.

9:12 - LOLLerskates at this video Deadspin has of the aforementioned Collinsworth...

+5 fantasy points for the soundtrack, +10 to the interweb for existing so I can see shit like this and post it on my live Bears blog.

9:15 - Second half. Let's hope it gets a little better. I'd rather get curb stomped by Edward Norton than watch another half like that.

9:29 - Jay Culter gets his first name back after throwing a pretty little tear drop to Hester down the sideline. Thanks to Nick Collins for taking a moronic angle on the ball.

9:35 - Al Afalava vs Mike Brown. Discuss. Awesomeness of name should not factor into your decision.

9:40 - Urlacher is on the sideline with a wrist injury and Cutler's starting to get into a groove. No other hilarious comments at this time.

9:42 - In a commercial for the new Jay Leno show, they quote Time magazine as calling it the future of television. They do know it's already existed for like fifteen years, right?

9:50 - Bears 12-10. If you could only keep one of these players, who would it be: Urlacher or Robbie Gould? That question is way harder than it should be.

9:57 - 12-10 end of the 3rd quarter. Should be a good finish. I'm still predicting a Packers W.

10:03 - Forte has had absolutely nowhere to run today. Also, I read that forte is one of the 100 most commonly mispronounced words in the English language.

10:05 - 4th and 11, 2 point game, fake punt, not even close. As a coach, you can't call that and not look like an idiot. I mean like physically look like an idiot on the sideline. Obviously it was a dumb call, but when they show Lovie on the sideline, there's nothing necessarily dumb-looking about his appearance, but you can't look at him and not think "now there's a dumb ass". Even The Fonz couldn't look cool in that kind of situation. There's some kind of imperceptible change that occurs in a coach or player's appearance in these situations. I think scientists should research this.

10:06 -
Michaels: "And Lovie's thrown the challenge flag..."
Collinsworth: "Maybe on his own call"
...priceless

10:07 - They just suggested that Patrick Mannelly may have had something to do with screwing up the fake punt. That's a bold accusation against somebody who has his own website dedicated to the art of long snapping.

10:08 - Video replay confirms the above suggestion. I'm still trying to find the section on longsnapper.com about audibling to fake punts deep in your own territory in the second half of a two point game. I'll let you know when I find something.

10:27 - Third and goal down by one. I'm calling Cutler bootleg.

10:28 - I was close...They rolled him out and he airmailed Olsen. 15-13 Bears. +1 to the refs for a bad illegal contact on third down earlier in the drive. They did blow at least one PI call earlier in the game though, so it evens out.

10:33 - Packers ball 2:28 left. I think the Bears D finally breaks, but their pass rush has been consistent all day and they still have forced a turnover yet.

10:40 - Rodgers hits Greg Jennings on a 50+ yard dagger. Nathan Vasher how do you feel?

10:45 - INT #4 as Johnny Knox cuts off his route for the 99th time today by a Bears receiver. Bad game by Cutler, but even worse games by the o-line and the receivers.

I'm gonna go find a small dog to kick, I'll be right back.

10:55 - No small dogs, but I did cut myself and drink half a bottle of mouthwash so now I feel better... Just kidding, I just listened to Tony Dungy's soothing post game analysis. Here's mine...

Positives:
- Wally "Contract Year" Ogunleye is in a contract year. I'm calling 14 sacks for the year.
- The secondary was decent for the most part, if the D plays like that all year they will make the playoffs.
- Lovie will make sure Vasher isn't in a position to blow a game from here on out.
- Cutler looked good in the second half
- They're only 0-1 and the hardest part of their schedule is this first stretch. Even 0-3 (which is a definite possibility) isn't a death sentence.

Negatives:
- The O-line was atrocious, absolutely God awful. Cutler was running for his life all day. With a less competent or less mobile QB, Green Bay either has 8 sacks or 6 INTs in this game.
- Cutler will get ripped for his 4 INTs, and deservedly so, but the WRs were terrible. Earl Bennett is bad at football, and he's the #2 receiver. This is not good.
- I don't think Greg Olsen was actually playing today. Either that or somebody really really doesn't like him.
- Nathan Vasher is (or at least was) a starting CB for this team. Watch their last play on defense and see why this is bad.
- The Packers D dominated the Bears and the team the Bears play next weekend is a better version of that D. It could be very ugly next weekend. The Bears will be 0-2.

Finally, a trivia question for you. Which one of these is Aaron Rodgers?



























Editor's note: Chili cheese dip does not sit well, especially after watching the Bears blow a late lead.